


cry.

by chabkyun



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Heavy Angst, M/M, Post-Break Up, kihyuk doesn't have enough fics so here am i to offer my soul for our gays !!!!!!!!!!!!!, kihyun writes a letter for his ex, side changki but theyre not dating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-29 12:35:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15729513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chabkyun/pseuds/chabkyun
Summary: minhyuk and kihyun didn't end well, but maybe they were never meant to be.





	cry.

**Author's Note:**

> HEAVILY inspired by yein's song cry and by being a whole gay mess  
> enjoy!!

“hoseok is right when he says that we shouldn’t speak our minds whenever the thoughts come. i’m pretty sure he knows that from bad experience just like now i do. my mind still gets lost in conversations we will never have, but even though it pains me to keep them to myself and to cope with them, i know it would pain me a lot more to be the one wrong in this situation.

i was never a person of claiming rights and wrongs - minhyuk, you know that pretty well. even though i’d spend the whole day arguing for my point, there wasn’t once a time where i claimed to be right above the others. but for the first time in my life, i wasn’t able to blame myself for anything. i did nothing. and i’m an asshole for saying this with this much confidence, but i’m also not the kind of person to lie its feelings. i did nothing wrong to deserve this.

but i also know we were both doing the wrong thing when we entered this mess. because we are paying the price for becoming something the universe didn’t desire us to be - we were friends. friends do not touch each other, neither caress hairs and peck on the other’s lips after a joke. friends do not hold each other’s thighs under the table and steal glances with an ache in the heart. but we didn’t listen to the odds telling us that it all was a bad idea and decided to move on, knowing full well that it wouldn’t end friendly.

your touch still lingers in my skin, and i can still hear your heavy breath from our kisses - they don’t make me emotional anymore. i’ve stopped crying once you left for the last time my bed. because i knew from the beginning it wouldn’t work, but i wasn’t strong enough to avoid it from happening. maybe i still had some baseless hope.

but i can’t call myself a saint. maybe i did things that would turn out to make me the devil, just like you made yourself into. we both fucked up heartlessly. if you didn’t break every single strain of trust i had, i’d do it to you. because at the end of the day, we weren’t meant to be. i wonder if you know that i still flirted in your behind, telling myself that we hadn’t anything. that i desired other’s touches just like i did to yours. that i, maybe, didn’t think of you the same way you thought of me. because when i felt changkyun’s hands touching my skin after we broke up, i felt no regret, neither thought of you.

and i know you ask about me, even after i made pretty clear to all our friends that we were ended. after i told you that you shouldn’t bother. i know that you didn’t respect my last wishes. but, does it matter? had once you respected something i asked you? you felt so entitled to me that you forgot that i wasn’t even yours, to begin with.

and yes, my name doesn’t taste the same coming from other people’s lips. there will never be a call of “kihyun” like yours. but it doesn’t mean that i won’t feel nothing. we were wrong in our own way, and i learned about myself a lot from making this mistake. because the next time i see that things aren’t going how they should be, i’ll be brave enough to stop before i allow someone to ruin me as you did.

maybe i’m naive. i’m pretty sure i didn’t learn everything i possibly could (but would someone ever know that much?). i have a history in making dumb decisions - trusting the wrong people. because i always fall for the ones that shouldn’t even be in my life in the first place. because since the first men i fell in love, i never had something that made me fulfill anything. and i know that a relationship isn’t a bandaid, that i shouldn’t expect people to fix me. it’s not what i mean in any way. but no one ever was there just to be there. minhyuk, god, were you ever there? when i told you my problems and you made them become yours, were you there? when you listened to me just so you could also talk, were you there? because whenever you vanished from the earth i waited, but you never seemed to bother to wait my time. because your touch felt so close but so distant in so many ways. because you weren’t able to look at my eyes.

because when i feel the touch of other people, even without them caring about me, i can feel their presence. then why did i felt like i was all by myself even with our skin glued together? because when i flirted with others they’ve always responded so better than you. i never felt enough for you.

because now, when i see changkyun’s eyes, they do fill me with this weird sense of home, of belonging. but why my heart chose to stuck with you, when everything i could possibly want is him? because i still have all those trust issues, and he doesn’t deserve to live with the burden you throwed at my face. that everyone did.

but as i said, i ain’t no saint. because maybe if you knew about him you’d broken up first. because if you knew that while we were together i still texted him - god, i’d be dead. even though we never agreed to have anything. because i’m dirty as well. as unfaithful as it may sound, maybe i didn’t deserve to have us to work out. but i told you, it wasn’t my fault it ended. and you know that.

sometimes i hope that you feel your heart aching every time you look at the gifts i bought you, that you think about my touch with so much more pain than i could possibly feel. because maybe this will make you treat better the next one in your life. and thank god i was your first, because i’m used to be treated wrong.

and the next time i get drunk, i won’t spill soju all over the desk whenever your name is brought into the conversation, neither will my friends ask me about you. because every second it passes you get farther away from my reality, more distant to me. and i hope one day the memory that still lingers so strong in my brain when i lay down and think will become so blurry that i’ll forget the shape of your eyes, your high cheekbones, your cute nose and smile so bright that could blind someone.”

**Author's Note:**

> if anything just @ me at @chabkyun on twitter i never post but i have notifications on!!!!!!!


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